5 Reasons Why Avoiding That Conversation isn't Working
My partners and I had a rule we did our best to live by; “the first one to recognize insanity has a duty to stop it”. This might have meant pressing pause on an argument that wasn’t heading anywhere productive or tapping out the other when one of us was too [insert adjective] to be an effective leader. We even had a safe word in meetings. One of us would say “isn’t that interesting” as code for “this meeting isn’t going the way we want”, or “we need to pivot” or “end this asap”. It was a way for each of us to take collective ownership and, at the same time, mindfully look out for each other's individual interests. In management meetings, the three of us were straight shooters. We spoke our truth and were not afraid to get in each other’s faces. Sometimes it was just garden variety frustration with each other. Other times we’d get a little loud to make a point or to show our executive team that it was okay to express emotion and stand for what you believe to be right, especially when it’s in support of the company’s principles and goals. These practices kept us in sync and prevented daylight from getting between us.
Some partners and associates are challenged to communicate openly and honestly. Some hold back to spare bad feelings. Others fear conflict and what it might lead to. Maybe they don’t want to ruffle feathers or be the whiny wheel. Perhaps they worry that an argument will appear to the broader team as a lack of respect or unity which will tarnish other’s perceptions. It could also be more insidious than that. Maybe repeated offenses without correction have compounded resentment and they’ve simply resigned themselves to staying quiet. And herein lies the rub. By not explicitly standing for their viewpoint, they give their implicit acceptance - they give tacit approval for the behavior to continue and this can be problematic to those leaders for several reasons:
1. Lack of accountability: When leaders tacitly approve actions or decisions, they avoid taking direct responsibility for them and thereby dilute their authority and diffuse responsibility within the organization.
2. Unclear communication: Without clear and explicit communication from leaders, team members may interpret silence or inaction as approval, even when that was not the leader's intention.
3. Encouraging undesirable behaviors: If people in the company perceive that their actions or decisions are being tacitly approved, and without consequence when those actions are questionable or unethical, it can reinforce and perpetuate bad behavior within the organization.
4. Inconsistent decision-making: Tacit approval can lead to different people interpreting the leader's silence or inaction differently, resulting in disparate actions and decisions.
5. Undermining authority: When leaders fail to provide clear and explicit guidance, it can cause them to be perceived as indecisive or uncertain, eroding trust and respect, not to mention credibility.
To be truly effective as leaders, we need to aim for clear and transparent communication, providing explicit approval or disapproval for important actions or decisions. This fosters accountability, ensures consistent decision-making, and reinforces the behaviors we want to see in our organizations. By actively engaging and providing explicit guidance, leaders can set a standard and foster a culture of trust, transparency and respect.
If you’re not sold on the bull-in-the-china-shop way my partners and I did it, here are five ways to start uncomfortable conversations in a thoughtful manner:
1. Use "I" statements. Begin by framing the conversation around your own thoughts and feelings, rather than accusations. For example, "I've been feeling uncomfortable about..." or "I wanted to discuss something that's been on my mind…”. If you’re feeling scared about the conversation, a great way to ground yourself is to start with something like “I’m actually a little nervous about saying this but I think it’s important for our [team, company, success] that I do.” Starting uncomfortable talks this way can help minimize defensiveness.
2. Pick an appropriate time and place. Don't ambush the other person. Choose a private setting without distractions where you can have the conversation without interruptions.
3. Provide context. Explain why you feel this conversation is important to have. Give background information that is relevant and helps set the stage.
4. Be direct but kind. Don't beat around the bush, but also don't attack or assign blame. State the issue objectively using neutral language.
5. Ask questions and listen. Make it a two-way conversation. Ask for the other person's perspective and be open to hearing them out fully before responding.
The key is to approach the conversation with empathy, respect, and an authentic desire to understand each other's viewpoints. Lastly, if this is something you’ve been putting off because you’re hoping it will just go away with time, know that it will likely just get worse. Know also that you are probably not the only one noticing the problem and that, if it is yours to solve, everybody is waiting for you to act.